We a super-dynamic company on the move looking for a equally dynamic individual to be our newest INTERN!!!!!! This is an excellent opportunity for you to do work!!!! Learn!!!! Get experience!!!!! The ideal candidate will have 15 plus years in either marketing, brand management or advertising. Rolodex with 250+ qualified names within the Fortune 500 complex a real plus! Don’t pass this one up!

Dear O. Salty,

I was recently hired at mid-sized agency as a Human Resource Manager. I’ve been in HR for over 10 years and usually just have to hang federal compliance posters and sit in a conference room looking concerned while a manager fires someone. But at this company the owners have asked that I be accountable for the morale of the staff (a task that is not, by the way, listed on my job description). I got into HR specifically to avoid having to make people happy. What should I do?

Signed, HoRrer

Dear HoRrer,
Ah, many owners often assume that Human Resource Managers should be responsible for overall mental health of the employees. The problem is that HR is a kissing—maybe even a heavy petting—cousin of the Legal Dept. Many HR Managers are simply people that didn’t have the money to afford law school so they took a weekend HR seminar down at the Hilton. So, would you ever place a lawyer in charge of morale? No, but you would let your staff chase the lawyer around with sticks. So, what should you do? Simple, you need a diversion—concoct a nice juicy sexual harassment claim. This will get the owners thinking about all the times they mentally slid down the intern’s whale tail, and, even better, nothing will improve the camaraderie of the staff like good old-fashioned gossip.

Glad to help,
Old Salty

Some lame “consultant” over at the WSJ has it all wrong. In this article he says that you should never arrive one hour early to an interview. It makes you look desperate. WRONG! For starters, there is nothing that can make you look more desperate than you already are, and secondly, you should arrive two hours earlier and start cleaning the floors and dusting the furniture. Wear something sexy for that added WOW!

Seems these days we get about 2-3 cold shows a week. A cold show is when a Jobless decides to throw caution to the wind and simply “pop” into my office. I think they are hoping for a Pretty Woman type moment. I’ll see them from across the room, looking so brave yet so fragile, and I’ll think to myself, “Hey, Old Salty, that kid’s got spark!” and hand them a job that involves showers of money and a freshly-lubed unicorn.

Sorry, Vivian, but this gull ain’t going to take his shoes off and walk on the grass.  Your proximity to me does not overcome your desperation.  Scoot along, scoot along.

(update)

I have thought about this and decided that if someone were to dress up like Vivian and “pop” into my I would be more than willing to grant a personal interview.